Getting Ready For A Dinner Date (Age 26)

Thumbing through my dresses I selected one which resembled the forties. A cotton floral print with square short sleeves and a square neck-line, snug in the waist ,knee length and flowy. I turned to face the bathroom mirrors outside of the closet, so I could hold the dress up to me and visualize it on, and to make certain it was the right apparel choice, perfect for tonight!… I paused for a long time and gazed into my full body reflection, I think I will look pretty… I stared at my face, will Jonah think I look pretty tonight?… I felt angry with myself for caring so much about how I looked on the outside. I dropped my left arm, the arm that was holding up the dress. I stared at my naked body, my woman's body. Lost in a gaze I blurred my eyes and then focused them, blurred my eyes and then focused them. The dress and hanger felt heavy in my hand, so I let go of them. My shoulders suddenly felt heavy as well, so I also let go of my confident posture and continued to stare at my reflection of skin, Jonah doesn't love this naked body, too many curves, too big of hips, too tall… I felt hate for my body and tortured myself as a stared at it. I felt like I should cover it, but instead I chose to humiliate myself in front of myself, punish myself for having this body, who would ever want to softly touch or hold this ugly body? I understand why Jonah refuses to face me when we go to bed, I understand why I never feel the warmth of his skin…