My Reminder Ring

I sat on the floor against the wall in our bedroom holding tight to my knees, an egg position I had slunk into after sliding my back down our cold walls. Sobbing, my top lip quivering while my bottom lip sucked into my mouth. My nose ran so much that sniffling would not help and would only draw more attention to this pathetic sight so I wiped my nose with my long-sleeved pajama top... thank god this room is pitch black at night, thank god for our black heavy gothic drapes thank god he can't see me right now. Jonah laid snug in our antique metal bed; the slightest bit of movement the bed would rattle and squeak as if it was holding on by four tired screws ready to slip out any minute and send the mattresses crashing to the floor. But at the moment there were no rattles or squeaks, and it wasn't because my boyfriend was asleep. I knew he was awake because I knew the way he breathed when he was awake and I knew the way he breathed when he was asleep. I knew Jonah heard me crying, I knew he knew I was hurting, I knew he didn't care. I wanted so badly to go over and shake him and beg him to be human and see me as a human but I remained there in my egg position out of rational attempts to reach out. I need to not talk as much, be silent and powerful like him. I need to not joke around as much, speak intelligently and articulately like him. I need to make more time for books like he does, he loves Anne Rice I could love Thomas Harris. I need to stop listening to Matchbox Twenty and Our Lady Peace and fill my bathroom and car with the sounds of dark Industrial music like what he listens too. Jonah needs to see me as mysterious and as interesting as I see him. I can't shake him into human but I can cry my human away.


The long, slow, distant and romantic breaths of Jonah rolled in and I knew he was now asleep. I stood up from the floor and walked over to our bedroom glass sliding doors that lead to our backyard. I pulled the heavy gothic drapes apart just a bit so the moonlight could peek through and illuminate my boyfriend's still face. I looked at him sleeping he looked innocent and beautiful, his mouth softly opened just enough for his angelic breath to graze his lips as he inhales and exhales making the sounds of his peaceful sleep. His large gauged earrings nestled within his lobes. He never took them out. They were shaped like demon horns and made of silver which adobted more of his warmth than I ever could. At night he turned them inward, nonthreatening, with the points in the opposite direction of how he normal wore them throughout the day. His earrings now resembled a bird's wings tucked in when it contently settles down and prepares to rest... I'm so in love with this man. I walked to the other side of the bed and slid quietly in. His back was now to me, a position he placed himself every night. I thought about his face again as I closed my eyes, then I thought about my own face as I ran my finger tips over my cheeks, my eyelids, my nose, my lips especially my lips I thought about how I want him to kiss me, how he never kisses me I think about how he must not see my face as a beautiful face, I wonder if he ever can after the 2 years that have already passed. I think I have a chance, if I can be less human less emotional if I can be more like him he will be less annoyed with me, more attracted to me and he will want to keep me.

The next day I would go shopping for a ring to wear on my index finger. This ring will be a reminder ring like when people tie a string around their finger so they wont forget something. With my ring I will always remember my goal to be more like my boyfriend and when I am about to talk of nonsence and silly things to him I can see my reminder ring as well as touch it and I will be able to hold back my words until I have something of more substance to say. And when I feel tempted to talk about us or kiss his lips or hold his hand as we walk, I can feel my ring and bite my lip and keep my hands to my side. I will wear my ring to bed and reframe from trying to put my arms around him with my chest pressed to his back, I will reframe from these things he calls "needy".